I try to post every Sunday and at least once during the week and if you’ve been following this blog you’ll see I’ve been slacking. Here’s why. I am a part-time wreck. While my day-to-day life is kicking ass and going well, internally I’m in the midst of a battle with my heart, mind and soul and I’ve showed up with a spoon as my defense. I’m hopeless and helpless. I’ve nothing of value to share with others, hence my quietude on the internet waves.
I’ve been beating myself up quite a bit over the last few weeks and I’m emotionally sore and mentally exhausted. I work hard to be the best version of myself and once in awhile (like now) bad habits, old thought patterns and past insecurities barge in.
I hate that I am a black and white person especially since I want to live in the grey. In my world, it’s all or nothing, fact or fiction, hardcore or lazy, etc. I have a hard time rolling with the waves, the ebb and flow of life.
If there’s an area of my life that’s not going well, I automatically start telling myself I’m terrible and awful or a shitty friend or a crappy wife and suddenly, I’ve gorged on a half pint of chocolate ice cream hoping the brain freeze will freeze these thoughts as they hit and I can then chisel away at them to determine where it’s coming from and why I do this to myself! I have no grace (or class!) in times like these.
Us “black and whiters” like answers, facts, stability and even keeled day-to-day contentment. Living in this black or white world means a lot of confusion and indecision when change hits especially for an empath like me who has porous boundaries and a big heart. But typically, when faced with change or an uncomfortable situation, I always doubt myself. I doubt my decisions. I allow other people to influence me. I don’t stand my ground. And I HATE that I’m so easily swayed on certain things. It creates this vicious cycle: I consider a decision. I doubt the decision. I ask eight people for advice on my decision. I question my decision. I still question my decision. I go crazy. I halt the decision. I try to make peace with the undecided decision. I go crazy. I question the decision. I ask seven new people for advice on the decision. I still make no decision. I question my sanity. I deem myself part time crazy and that’s that. It’s ridiculous.
Maybe it’s the hormones from my period ending the other day. Maybe it’s the powerful full moon coming. Maybe it’s that I am tired 97% of the time and my doctor can’t find anything wrong with me. Maybe it’s that I’m in the midst of a huge transition; mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, physically and mentally but whatever it is, I am feeling totally off. I’m pissy with my kid, annoyed by the smallest of things, crying at next-to-nothing, snappy with my husband, rude to my neighbour and as hard as I try to mine the depths of myself, I can’t find the real Kelsey in any of this right now. It’s someone else handling the reins and I’ve never met her. I don’t know that I have ever felt like this before.
It’s hard being a mom, a wife, a friend, an entrepreneur, a daughter, even a person some times and while I like to normally say, treat yourself as if you were your own best friend, I cant. Because I’m mad at her. I’m mad at the Kelsey that’s in there, standing in background, awaiting the spotlight but still hiding behind Ego and Fear. I’ve allowed my fear of what others will think of me make decisions for me. Nothing good can come from that so now there’s parts of my life I don’t even recognize even though I was fully cognizant and aware of the situation. I’ve allowed my fear of the unknown to dictate a lot of the life I live now. So here I am right this second, sitting on my bed in a house I don’t particularly like in a town where I have next to no friends, wondering when is the curtain going to rise? When is the Kelsey I have been fighting so hard for going to take centre stage once and for all and, more importantly, FOREVER? Or, when will I finally grab a surfboard and learn to ride the ebb and flow on the waves of life and accept that there’s going to be good times and bad times and highs and lows and that each circumstance doesn’t mean questioning my person, my soul? More importantly, what is it going to take to realize that in a bad time or low time, it’s not actually the end of the world nor is it a reflection of who I truly am? I’m not a horrible person because I agreed to a house I don’t like (but am learning to love). I’m not a bad friend because I’m questioning some of my friendships right now. I’m not a lazy pig because I don’t recognize this body I am in. But hell, in those moments, it sure feels like it and I need to do the work to realize my worth and realize that it’s 100% okay to live in the grey.
So for now, I may be quiet here until I get through this funk and Kelsey re-emerges. You’ll find me laughing and crying, sometimes simultaneously, while searching for these answers and attempting to find the grace and gentleness needed to weather these transitions and changes. I’m committed to being the best Kelsey I can be and the Kelsey I know doesn’t sit on the shore and watch the surfers carve the waves, she joins.
United we rise,