When you think of sex, what comes to mind? Passion? Intimacy? Fun? Orgasmic? Pleasure? Loving? Dirty? Forbidden? Lustful? Wrong? Beautiful?
When I think of sex, most of the time I think, “ugh.” And I sigh. Because trying to conceive over and over, month after month without success turns sex into work. It’s like going to a job you hate, day in and day out, but you put up with Carl the shitty manager because you need to make rent this month.
Sex as an act to try to conceive (TTC) is like that. You do it because you have to if you want to have the baby you so desperately want. But it’s mechanical and not fun. It’s awkward and unpleasant for both of you. It’s finding lube that’s fertility friendly. It’s zero foreplay. It’s lazy positions to *just* get it done. It’s sad. Sex is sad.
Some of us are desperate for a baby. We want a baby the way some people want to win the lottery or score the record deal they’ve worked tirelessly for. Our primitiveness emerges when we see other babies. It’s like we can feel our ovaries swelling with need. We feel our age in those moments, knowing that those few short hours every month are our only chance and IF that fails, four more weeks of our life are spent aging further and waiting longer and wanting harder.
I honestly don’t know how some people just *get* pregnant. That window of opportunity is so small! As infertile women, we have to know when that window will be open and we have to be prepared. We take our temperatures and medications and we have to time our intimacy. But of course, that intimacy is lost.
An act so sacred, so beautiful between two people gets demoted to a job with a mission and an urgency that borders on unattractive.
There’s no excitement. There’s no tender caresses and loving embraces. It’s to the point, it’s tiring and for most, like myself, it feels futile because it’s ovulation week 206 and that’s 206 sexual encounters that went completely to shit and all that weird, shitty sex had zero positive outcomes. It was all for naught. Again. And again. And again.
TTC sex that constantly fails is a blatant reminder that our body isn’t holding up its end of the bargain. A woman has a uterus and a womb and eggs and a vagina to reproduce our population. When we join with a man who has sperm and vas deferens and a penis that’s meant to complete the joining, we are usually pretty devastated that a basic physiological endeavour that’s been repeated TRILLIONS of times isn’t happening for us, even once. Where conceiving comes to natural to some (how many of you have that friend who jokes, “he can just look at me and I get pregnant!”?) it’s a big slap in the face to get a period after each window of trying. That period is the icing on the shitty, dry, overcooked cake: “You put a strain on yourself and your marriage to try to grow your family and IT DIDN’T WORK.” TTC sex is worth it when there’s the two pink lines two weeks later but that isn’t happening for so many of us.
There’s nothing sexy about trying to conceive sex. I’ve tried. I’ve attempted to hide my ovulation window and just gussy up my man and while that sometimes works, he certainly wonders why I’m crying in the bathroom two weeks later. Besides, if your partner is aware of your infertility and is supportive of your supplements and medications, he’ll know. He’ll either be wanting the baby too and will do what’s required of him on his end to make the joining work or he’ll be oblivious and ignorant because it’s too much pressure on him.
Men want intimacy in sex too. Many feel used when us women are ovulating and wanting to try. Our hormones and bodies dictate our actions and our want/need for a baby pushes us to get down to it even though we are hating it just as much as they are. There’s almost no desire to have sex for fun or for pleasure or connection. It’s business, plain and simple. And once that window of opportunity closes, the idea of sex at any other time feels…unwanted. We’re tired. We’re hurting. We’re dealing in ways that don’t typically involve romantic nights of sex for fun.
Am I alone in this situation? Are there any others whose love life has become rigid and terrible and sad? Infertility sucks!
United we rise,