Without fail, every time I miscarry I spend a significant amount of time questioning everything. WHY is on repeat, over and over like a skipping CD. I question the body that betrayed me. I question the food I put in my body, the kilometres my feet walked during those weeks. I question the temperature of the water of my showers, the exercises I did. I question my doctor and my husband and my vitamins and my sanity. I become a panicked existentialist/philosopher/theologian: why do bad things happen to good people? Do good things happen to bad people? Why? What is the lesson in this? Is there a God? If so, why did He/She/It allow this to happen? What is the meaning of life if it can bring such pain and suffering? Did I do something to deserve this? What was the purpose in that short lived life? What’s my purpose? And on and on it went.
I use to believe my miscarriages was Karma coming back at me for all the shitty things I had ever done. I thought it was payback for my misgivings, bad behaviour and vindictive actions of a struggling youth. But Karma doesn’t want bad things to happen to us. Despite the common beliefs surrounding Karma, Karma doesn’t actually do bad things to you. So I had to rethink why I was part of a small percentage of women who repeatedly miscarry with absolutely no reasoning.
After reading a ridiculous number of books, from self-help to spiritual to business savvy to health related combined with angel reiki, acupuncture, meditation and yoga, I realized that my babies had a purpose. And as their mother, it was up to me to determine what their purpose had been in those few short weeks that their hearts beat.
I believe every being on this planet is born with a purpose. As a human, perhaps that purpose is to be a drug addict to teach the family members’ lessons in life they wouldn’t learn without the addiction. Perhaps it’s to work at McDonalds or a Fortune 500 company. Perhaps it’s to live in a ghetto in a third world country and learn the hardships of survival. Everything and everyone has a purpose that contributes to the invisible cogs turning, making the existences on our planet what they are. Look only at our weather systems or food chains or societal hierarchies to see there is an energy that underlies everything.
When a life is taken before its time, or what we perceive as his/her time, we are angry and hurt. When we lose a baby, we are angry and hurt but also confused and gutted. The legacy and the purpose of those taken too young never had its chance to ripen and flourish. That baby will never discover his/her purpose or even have a chance to consider what it might have been for them in this life.
It’s on those left behind to make sense of the senseless, to find meaning in the pain and to transform that pain into healing and growth.
Because I couldn’t make sense of my babies’ losses, I needed to create sense. I took my pain and grief and channeled it into my writing. My stream of consciousness style of writing led me to express emotions I didn’t know I felt. From that (and other healing modalities), I healed. Then, from blogging about my experiences, other women reached out to me. Most were thankful they weren’t alone in their struggles. Many shared their stories of grief and loss and thanked me for sharing mine as well. Many felt justified in their feelings knowing I had felt them too and that most likely, if we both did, other did too. Those messages were proof that what I was doing was touching people. Those messages were what I needed to keep writing.
Writing has given my losses purpose. It’s because of those sweet angels that I have woken up to my own purpose and am determined and focused on achieving my dreams of writing and publishing books. I believe they are in my corner, writing through me, cheering for me on the prairie winds and helping me achieve my goals in their honour.
My babies purpose would have been unique to them had they lived but since they aren’t here to fulfill it, I am creating purpose for them.
I write for them. I honour them in my garden, in my home, in my words and in my heart. The pain I felt time and again has transformed into a blazing fire, a roaring inferno of dedication, faith and desire to help others heal through my words and journey. My losses have meaning now. It happened to teach me a resiliency and strength I never had before and a deeper sense of compassion and love. They also taught me how fragile life is and how important it is to live life with meaning and intention. They woke me up and shined Light on the infinite possibilities I had around me.
Look at how many people have taken action through their pain and loss. MADD was started by Candace Lightner, a mother whose 13 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. Locally, after losing own babies at 20 and 23 gestation weeks respectively, Bri Koop and Jasmin Herchak joined together to form Empty Arms Perinatal Loss Support Services. Mothers Empowering Mothers was started by Amanda Harder after she suffered post-partum depression and found no support or resources to help her overcome it. The Family Fertility Fund of Saskatchewan was created by myself, Dani Friesen and Wendy Winiewski, a woman who struggled with infertility for years before having her daughter via IVF.
We take the pain and use it. We distract ourselves by helping others. It is in that distraction that we find meaning for our own lives again. When we can’t help ourselves, we help others. Then through those experiences we heal ourselves by watching and helping those others heal. We fill the gaps in bereavement, grief and suffering with our own stories and meaning. We take back the Darkness and we replace it with Light.
Many people are sifting through the remnants of their lives right now, lost in the ashes of grief and loss. I send my deepest condolences to all of them and hope that with time and appropriate healing, they too find the meaning in the meaningless. I have no doubt it will reveal itself exactly when it should. Be gentle with yourself. Grief isn’t linear. Time and healing will come eventually. Some people feel healed right now and have yet to find any comfort in their journey or losses. To them I say the same, it will reveal itself exactly when it should. In the meantime, be open to sharing your story. Watch for the signs that are lighting the way for your Greatness. Give love and compassion wherever you go. Forgive others but remain steadfast in your values and morals. Volunteer your time and resources to others. Meditate: it is the way to listen to the Cosmic Consciousness shared by all beings. Create a legacy for your loved one. Honour them in your breath, step and purpose.
United we rise,