If you’ve been following along in my (almost!) one year journey of blogging, I’ve had a pretty transformational year. Two miscarriages and a whole bucketload of self reflection and healing has led me to admit something that I never thought I’d say: I’m ridiculously, ridiculously happy. I’ve become THAT person: the one who is always smiling and seeing the good side to everything; the one who wakes each morning with a well of laughter bubbling in her chest. I’m the chippy morning person with a bounce in her step and the energy to fly around the moon. I’m ecstatic for each and every day. I pronounce each day to be amazingly awesome and full of magical encounters. I say thank you to everyone and everything for everyone and everything.
I give gratitude for the big things, the little things, the mediocre things and even the bad things.
I’ve learned this year that Life is truly what you make of it. And how you make it is how you create it through your thoughts, actions and beliefs.
By releasing my death grip on desired outcomes ie. I want my babies two years apart in age or I want to be a size 6 again, I’ve opened my eyes to true happiness. Happiness is embracing each day and each moment with mindfulness and joy and childlike awe. How amazing is it that we get to be humans on a planet hurling through space at the exact distance from its sun to even be capable of sustaining life? We’re not ants or microbes in the gut of a hippo. We’re HUMANS! We get to have sex and eat chocolate and feel the sunshine warm our skin. We have consciousness and thoughts and feelings and who doesn’t love being in love with the right person? Most of us, at least anyone probably reading this, has clean water readily available and shelter above our heads and beating hearts that pump blood through our amazing bodies (and with NO effort on our part- it beats and pumps, beats and pumps).
And while I have always considered myself a happy, optimistic person and I was, I now see I was a superficial happy, optimistic person. I didn’t have the necessary inner peace and mindfulness to really know happiness. Like so many others, I was too focused on the future and my fertility and my education and my business and my parenting skills. I was consumed with negative feelings and hopes that were dashed and outcomes that never came to fruition. I wanted so many external things that I stopped looking internally. At least, I stopped looking internally in a loving way. When I’d evaluate my feelings or emotions or behaviours I would turn into the worst Mean Girl ever. No one has judged me harder than I have to myself. I read self help books and personal development books galore to try to become the person I wanted to be- you know the one; the fit mom with a thriving career and the parenting skills everyone envies and the sense of humour that has everyone in stitches. The girl who brightens a room and doesn’t have the temper she knows lurks behind the next joke. I had a vision of a Kelsey I wanted to be and instead of just being true to myself and loving the best sides of me, I forced myself into a closed box of judgement, ridicule and shame.
I love PD and self help books. I’ve learned a lot. But I was so intent on becoming this greater version of myself that I never let myself implement any of the tools I had learned. I just forged on to the next book, the next podcast, the next modality. I never stopped.
Stopping is key. Letting go is the door. Inner peace is the haven.
I just stopped everything. I stopped holding on to an outcome (wanting a second baby). I stopped reading the self help books. I began reading books that I actually enjoyed and gave me pleasure and knowledge. I stopped looking to a perfectly planned out future. I stopped the negative self talk. I stopped blaming myself, others and the Universe for not receiving that which I wanted. I just stopped.
That probably sounds so frustrating to some of you. “What do you mean you just stopped? How do I stop wanting a baby? How do I stop wanting that promotion at work? How do I stop pining for a loving relationship?”
Short answer: faith. Long answer: I stopped believing that I was alone in this Life. I began to lean on the invisible force that is the Universe to help guide me. I believe the Universe has a bigger plan for me and it is bigger than a second baby or making my natural skin care products. It’s bigger than anything I can conceive right now. Faith is an energy that can be manipulated to my advantage once I fully surrender to its power. I use to say I was a spiritual person and I’d lean on Source/God/Infinite Possibilities/[insert whatever you feel comfortable with here] but every time I didn’t get what I wanted, I grew angry and mean towards it. I blamed the Universe for my miscarriages and I lost faith with every period that came.
I was like a petulant child. Do we reward petulant children? NO!
I had to do the work to maintain my faith in the Universe, in the universal energy, AT ALL TIMES. This required mantras and repeating beliefs I had yet to call true. It was prayer and talking out loud in the fields! It was asking for signs and believing their truth when I saw them. It was giving thanks 1,000 times a day. Intention goes a long ways, my friends!
When I got a $257 power bill that was due on Christmas day, I had to thank the Universe for giving me said power, for reminding me not to take electricity for granted and to thank my husband for providing for us so we could pay it. A few months ago, I would’ve been pisssssed. My faith is unwavering. I ask for signs and occurences, and more often than not, I get an answer. I’m in a really beautiful relationship now; it’s one that has my back and I have its. There’s love and respect and understanding. It’s my piece of peace.
Also, like I said above, I let go. Letting go is a skill I struggled with for a long time. If you like control like I do, surrendering is a big step. But “letting go” also seemed very vague to me. How do I let go? How does one let go of something that they want so deeply they can feel it in the essence of their being? How does one let go of something they love so much?
I realized I had to take a step back and look at my life as objectively as I could. Here was a healthy Canadian woman in her early 30’s with an amazing husband, spunky four year old daughter living in their first house in a great community. She has not one but TWO businesses AND was following her dreams of writing through a blog that had reached thousands? UMM WHAT?
I had to change my perspective and changing your perspective is the biggest part of letting go. I realized how friggin’ good I had it. By that I mean, I REALLY realized it. I saw that I had to start focusing on what I did have instead of what I didn’t have. I had to be grateful for the life I had because it is an incredible life! My life is amazing. And if you’re in a country with freedom and health care and running water and education for all, you have an amazing life too! There is no reason you can’t do whatever you want to do living in a country like Canada or Sweden or the U.S.
I surrendered to my minds idea of how my life “should” go and began appreciating the Life I did have. I appreciate every single thing I have and now, I appreciate every single thing I don’t have.
When I thought I couldn’t surrender anymore, I surrendered more.
I should mention that I read “Thank and Grow Rich” by Pam Grout and her words were a huge help for me in finding the gratitude for the things I didn’t have. I always had gratitude for what I had but rarely would you find me grateful for what I didn’t. Instead, you’d see me complaining to anyone who would listen about my fertility woes or my broken dishwasher or the fight I had with my sister.
But with effort and intention, I’ve become THAT person. That too happy, probably-annoying-but-maybe(and-hopefully)-bubbly-cute person!
We are all beautiful beacons of energy. We emit frequencies and we absorb them as well. And this ain’t no woo-woo shit either. We really are like frequency towers: what we put out, we get back. I decided I wanted to be a beacon of light and instead of reading about it and thinking about it to death I just BECAME it. I just started doing it.
I feel centred and grounded in a way I’ve never felt before. I feel authentic and real. I feel inspired and am writing a book to help other women in the fertility community find their peace with their journey. I feel peace in my soul. I feel ridiculously, ridiculously happy.
United we rise,