Five Things Women Need to Know About Being Pregnant

 

  1. Your lady parts become unrecognizable

i-dont-always-see-national-geographic-nipples-by-when-i-doBoobs and Vaginas: our sacred parts. We spend years looking at and learning about and eventually knowing these beauties pretty well only to become pregnant, look down and go “WTF?” Sure, your boobs get bigger. That’s sweet. They become these soft round globes of fullness and womanly curves but your nipples?! Oh DEAR GOD. Your areolas triple in size and turn about 47 shades darker plus your nipples themselves become these sore, sensitive nubs that clearly feel left out so they are on display for anyone to notice. It’s like something out of National Geographic. I believe the common term for pregnancy boobs is “pancake nipples” but douse them in dark, high quality Quebec maple syrup, set them on fire to get a nice painful char and then attach them to your body. You’re welcome.

hotdogYour vagina, on the other hand, becomes a leaky, swollen mess. It looks like a jumbo hotdog in a really soft, giant undercooked bun from the Roger’s Centre. Your labias and vulva are these red, angry, swollen bits. There’s so much more blood pumping through your body and your hormones are raging so somehow that equals giant, leaking vagina. We all know vaginas are like self-cleaning ovens. They are constantly protecting themselves from bacteria and the likes by constantly lubing up and downward but when you’re pregnant your body knows there’s precious cargo in your womb so it goes into overdrive to ensure NOTHING is getting in there. So you le

ak. Constantly.

  1. Ladyscaping is out of the question

Once your belly pops (which is a beautiful experience), there is NO chance of taking care of the lady bush. Unless you are slightly batty and willing to let someone shave you, good luck. Or enjoy an excruciating amount of pain and will let someone wax you (remember, more blood flow = more pain when someone RIPS the hair out of that area!) Maybe you have a spotter you trust to guide you. I certainly don’t!  Let that shit grow like a chia pet. Then name it and pet it in the evenings.

pregnancy meme3. You become a psychopath

If you want to make a pregnant woman cry just look at her funny. Pregnancy creates a veritable cocktail of crazy hormones. You are out of control and there’s nothing you can do but ride it out, apologize later and/or lock yourself away from civilization. I was waiting for my sister in law and nephew at the airport and just sat there weeping watching all the reunions and departures between people. Pregnant women get those “catches” in their chests, those bubbles of emotions every 8 seconds. When we aren’t weepy and emotional we’re

f*cking angry. Then look out and take cover! There is NO reasoning with an angry, hormonal pregnant woman. Here’s a perfect example: my 5 year wedding anniversary is June 8. I thought it fell on a Wednesday because I apparently can’t read calendars. When I finally realized it was a Friday my husband (who never remembers dates or even my name most days) had already made plans to go fishing with his business partners. I expected him to cancel because, duh, it’s a milestone anniversary while he expected me to understand the importance of this guy’s getaway and that his love for me isn’t expanded on our anniversary so we can celebrate anytime (“how about the day before baby?”)We’re still at an impasse and neither of us are budging on our perspective (“we didn’t get married on the 7th!)  so I’ve decided (without telling him of course) that we’re going to pretend we both forgot the anniversary and we’re not celebrating period. I don’t want to celebrate early or late. If we can’t do it on the day we were married I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to talk about the fishing trip or the perception we’re giving people of our marriage. I don’t want to think about the anger that turns my vision red over this. I’m well aware that this is probably CRAZY but my hormones are actually blocking my vision to see other perspectives. Even one of my best friends said, “Kels, I’m usually on your side when you guys fight but I’m with Clay on this one.” She’s a dirty traitor isn’t she?! But if she can see his POV, then I know I’m the batshit dingbat here.

Pregnant women are quick to react, reluctant to understand and the first to cry. On a scale of one to ten, we’re crying if we’re anywhere between one to ten. That’s a lot of tears: happy tears, sad tears, appalled tears, angry tears, weepy tears, nostalgic tears, frustrated tears, tired tears, impatient tears; we cover them all through these nine months. Invest in locks for your doors and Kleenex.

 

  1. Everything feels, tastes and smells different

Maybe it’s the hormones but everything is different in pregnancy. Smells you once loved turn you off, foods you hated you now tolerate. We basically have to learn this new body that isn’t our normal one. Every touch from our partner feels more sensitized. Every hug feels tighter. Drinks are more refreshing. Fruit tastes sweeter. Grass smells greener. (Is that even a thing?) Your skin itches, your skin expands. Stretch marks seem to appear overnight. Hair becomes lusher and thicker. Cravings need to be fulfilled- right now mine are hummus with pretzels and anything with cinnamon which I didn’t enjoy prior to my first pregnancy. Nails become stronger or more brittle, there’s no in between. Mine look like I was stranded in a jungle and had to claw my way out of a ravine. You feel womanly, round and sexy despite the pancake nipples and fur donning your body. You’re soft and lush like a ripe peach. The only difference is that instead of a pit inside, you’re a raging ball of emotional terrorism. Warn your loved ones.

 

  1. Say goodbye to good night sleeps

Tired woman with tea in kitchenFirst, pregnancy makes you VERY tired. You’re growing eyeballs and a respiratory system and toes so of course you are! It’s like climbing a mountain in terms of the calories expended to grow a baby. In a blizzard. It’s exhausting. But then you add in the progesterone fueled dreams and you’re SOL. My dreams are so vivid most nights I don’t even feel like I slept because I was too busy attending dinner parties, singing for ham and chasing animals in meadows. Once you get further in the pregnancy you’re growing, changing body makes sleep uncomfortable too. Many babies like to practice their floor routine for the 2032 Olympics at 10:00pm and the constant kicks, flips and sometimes hiccups make sleep impossible! Add in that lack of sleep to your already crazy hormones and you’re hooped.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows with pregnancy just as it’s not all doom and gloom. But these five things have been the biggest changes I’ve noticed so far. However, we somehow forget all about these shitty side effects of growing a human once that human is in our arms. We forget the sleepless nights, the heartburn, the pain of labour, the now jiggly stomach and our hearts grow 5x bigger as we irrevocably fall madly in love with those tiny little beings. It’s worth every second.

 

United we rise,

-K

 

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