I’m pregnant. I’m shocked. I’m scared. I’m slightly devastated. I’m slightly excited.
After five years of actively trying to have our son (who is ten months old today) we didn’t think this would or could ever happen. Between my endometriosis and nursing- I thought we were safe with the ole pull out method. Clearly my sex education from high school went out the window ten weeks ago!
I went from being a fertility warrior to a cautionary tale.
But you know what? I got pregnant immediately after I had my daughter too. And I miscarried on her first birthday party.
It’s as if I’m in my own version of Groundhog Day and I’m Bill Murray.
I’m prepared this time though. I have my arsenal of mantras and affirmations to keep me focused. I have my friend Linda for reiki to help remind me I deserve this baby and I CAN DO THIS! I have my husband for better support than ever before. I have friends who better understand the fertility journey and the miscarriage fears. I also have my two kids to love and pamper who keep me distracted enough I don’t have time to worry.
However, I caught myself doing something I knew could become a problem. Every single time I used the washroom, after every wipe, I would examine the toilet paper as if I were a gypsy trying to decipher tea leaves.
I’d look for blood, discolouration, mucus, any signs of miscarrying. I’d scrutinize and linger. I’d wonder if this was the wipe that would devastate me. It was becoming borderline obsessive and probably a little unsanitary too.
So now I pee in the dark. Thankfully, or perhaps weirdly, none of the three bathrooms in my home have windows. So I pee in the dark. I don’t scrutinize. I don’t linger. I don’t focus on what could be. I’m letting what will be, BE. But with a little help from the Darkness. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!
My son was my rainbow, my miracle. The Universe gave me him when the Universe was sure I was ready for him. I wanted him 4 years ago. I got him five years later. My trust and faith are stronger than my fear this time around. While there’s days it falters and hiccups, I know how to ground back into my beliefs and remind myself that the Universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
But until that baby is safe in my arms, I’ll continue to pee in the dark.