I mentioned in my last blog that I took a day for myself recently. I went for a reiki session, an Access Bars session and craniosacral therapy.
I was hesitant to share what happened during these sessions but feel there’s a powerful message in this for everyone.
After finishing up Access Bars which consisted of chakra singing bowls, shamanic healing, touching parts of my head, face and body, I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t had any kind of transformative experience that I typically get from my spiritual modalities. Nonetheless, I was happy to have tried it and really enjoyed my time on the table. I was relaxed and rejuvenated.
Amy, the healer, has an incredible energy around her. She’s a petite blond with a big heart. You can feel it radiating from her person. She and I were sitting in her treatment room afterward when she said, “I think I have a message for you. I’m not sure if it was for you or for me but I feel like I should share it with you and you can take what you want from it.”
I was intrigued. I’m 10000% a spiritual goddess who believes in all things beyond our mere five senses. “OK,” I said excitedly.
Amy went on, “This just kept popping into my head over and over. It’s ‘breathing life back into women.’”
Instantly goosebumps pebbled my arms. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. My scalp tingled. My body thrummed.
This was my message.
Breath life back into women.
You see, I have spent the last four years, on and off, writing a book on infertility and the ways to help your mind, body and soul work cohesively to help you conceive. Now that I have three kids, the book feels futile and pointless for me. I have lost my drive to finish it which is disappointing considering I have written almost 30,000 words.
But the writer in me never stops and I have recently ventured into writing another book. At first it felt like a memoir then self help and now I’m not sure what it is. I have been talking with a friend’s brother-in-law who used to work in publishing and he told me, “Memoirs are tricky, as many authors write them as a form of catharsis, which is great for the author, but not always for the readers. Your book needs to be more than a story, it needs to be a message. What is it teaching the reader? What will they discover not just about you, but also themselves? How will your story resonate with them?”
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
This halted my keyboard clicking as I considered his words. He was right. I couldn’t just verbal diarrhea my stories all over the page without a message or theme or plan. I needed a message. I needed a theme and I needed direction.
So when I heard, “breath life back into women” I heard, “This is your message. This is your theme. This is your book.”
I’m excited. I have been writing constantly and have the drive and determination to see this through. Where it ends up I don’t know but I hope it’s in someone’s hands. Or possibly a few someones.
But since that day I have been thinking about what this means. Why do I need to breath life back into women? Why are so many of us holding our breath? Why are so many of us drowning in our lives? Why are so many of us waiting with bated breath? What is holding us back from living exactly how we want to live, opinions be damned?
Where is the judgment coming from that holds women back? Is it society? The media? Men? Family? Archetypes?
Where is the programming coming from that causes us to doubt ourselves, to judge others, to live small?
Sometimes I feel judged for my parenting. I feel inadequate to be a parent to three kids. Sometimes, I feel like my husband is a better person and father than me. Many times, I feel like people judge me for not fitting into one category whether it’s the “stay at home mom” box or the “working mom” box or the “infertlity” box or the “pregnancy loss” box. Sometimes, I feel unqualified to sit on a charity board or make skin care products or write books. Who am I to do those things? I sometimes feel misunderstood too. Even when I blog and edit this over and over, I will click publish knowing I’ll be misunderstood on some level.
But, and this is a BIG but, one I will put bluntly, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU. OR ME. OR HER. OR THEM.
We are all just trying to do the best we can on the days we can give our best. Some days we can barely get dressed. Some days we drink vodka for lunch. Some days we make Disney characters out of pancake batter. Some days we thrive and some days we barely survive. And how you accept that is solely up to you.
Every single person on this planet is looking out for their number ones and with most people in your life, you’re not their number one. You may be on the their totem pole of people important to them but you’re low. So when your friend judges you or your co worker is snarky to you; it doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with you. Because they don’t give a shit about you. They give a shit about them and their circle of needs. Rarely does anything anyone do have anything to do with you. It’s every (wo)man for themselves out there. So worry about yo’self.
I now know that in my insecure moments of feeling inadequate or judged, it’s my programming showing its ugly side. I can now stop and say, is this true? Is this real? Do you really feel this way? Does that person really believe that? What’s going on with her/him/them right now? What’s going on with me right now? Where am I in my cycle? Could this person be projecting? Does this actually matter? Will this matter in a year?
It’s liberating to live for you (and your immediate family) without caring what others think or do. When you love yourself and you love the decisions you’re making, you don’t need anyone else’s approval or opinions. When you can look yourself in the eye and feel good about your life, you know you’re on the right track.
When my days get hard and I’m feeling low, I run through those questions, sometimes repeatedly, and realize more often than not, I’m judging myself. I’m criticizing myself. I’m feeling low about myself. No one else is judging me. No one else is criticizing me. No one else is making me feel low except ME. I’m doing it to myself.
And then I know if I can think this horribly, I can also think wonderfully and I consciously change my thoughts.
If something someone else did is affecting me, I run through these same questions and often I literally pretend I have a rope of white light in my chest and I beam it to that person and lasso them and say a quick prayer for them. I send her/him/them love and I let it go. Then, I release the breath I didn’t know I was holding and move the fack on.
Join me. Relax your shoulders. Slacken your jaw. Give your shoulders and neck a couple shakes. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale. As you exhale, sigh, “I’m enough as I am. I’m exactly the person the world needs me to be right now. Tomorrow is a new day to do better. I release any judgements and criticisms I’ve said about myself. I will not allow anyone to affect me negatively. I am still enough.”
Breath life back into your soul, beautiful. You deserve it. Let’s start living BIG.