life · self-help · Self-Love/Self-Acceptance

Doing The Work of Changing and Healing

For the last two years I have been working on a fertility specialist certification so I can become a fertility coach. When I joined the program, my son was a few months old and I thought the workload would be manageable with an infant who slept all the time. Problem was, he never slept. A baby who doesn’t sleep means a mama who doesn’t sleep and I was exhausted. There wasn’t time to invest in myself or the course. When our son was six months old, we found out we were expecting another baby. Two babies meant even less time for myself. The course took the back burner as I juggled motherhood, wife life, homesteading duties, charity work and my small business Potions. I found myself second guessing fertility coaching. Who was I to try to do this? What would other people think? How would this gig look? Could I manage it with kids? I’d tell myself, “I have three kids now; fertility is not my story anymore. That chapter’s ended.”

So my binder of coursework remained unopened under my bed for many months. I took stock of my life in December 2020 and decided I needed to focus on my kids. I retired my small business. Leaving it was one of the easiest decisions I’ve made once I re-committed to my values and goals. I knew Potions was never going to be my career or money maker anyway. I just loved making safe products and wanted to share them where and when I could. With more time on my hands, I spent less time socializing and scrolling and more time snuggling and reading. It became clear in 2020 that I needed to shift my focus to my kids and my future and what that would look like for my family. 

In January 2021 I had an epic meltdown where I felt slapped in the face with ugly habits that were shaping me into someone I didn’t particularly enjoy. While I completely understand that we are both light and dark, ‘good’ and ‘bad’, perfect and flawed, I started to believe my bad was outweighing my good. Whether it was true or not didn’t matter because I thought it and what we think dictates everything else we do. And so the work began.

Since January, I have had a powerful reiki session and two incredibly healing Jin Shin Jyutsu treatments. Every morning I listen to this meditation and repeat the words aloud while looking in the mirror. I finish it with a high five to the mirror and a self hug. When I have a few quiet moments, I’ll focus on deep breathing. Somehow breathing has become a salvation of sorts even though it’s something I’ve done for 36 years! I finally understand what Hindus and Buddhists mean. Prana is life. I listen to these meditations most nights before bed. I journal; not everyday, but at least weekly. I’ve read some really life changing books such as Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza, Like She Owns The Place by Cara Alwill Leyba and If I Knew Then by Jann Arden. I’ve signed up and completed free workshops I’ve found from teachers I admire on social media. I’m more intentional with my time and somehow I don’t feel like I’m consciously doing it. It’s more that I’m so aligned with ultimate needs, the rest is just naturally coming to me as the next right thing to do. Basically, I’m really focused on my heart and soul and am learning who she is and what she wants and the rest is coming together.

I think it’s important to share these tools because more often than not I hear about transformations but rarely about the in between. How do you get to a place of peace? What does one do? HOW?

In this beautiful journey of self-discovery I have realized that fertility coaching is something I need to do. It’s my purpose to help other women through their fertility struggle whether that’s through education, empowerment, support or all of the above. While I fulfill that part of my soul’s purpose, I’ll continue to write. I need writing like I need water.  

I just said to my husband last night, “It’s so weird how on the fence I was about coaching for so long and now everything just feels completely right and aligned.” I guess that’s what happens when you get quiet and get real with yourself.

I’ve had this quote saved in my phone for three years. I can finally use it with truth, compassion and joy!

I had lunch with a friend the other day and she said, “You seem different” and what music that was to my ears. I seem different because I am different. I’m finding myself more patient and laid back, more calm and understanding. I’m forgiving more when I used to be the Queen of Grudges. I’m setting boundaries and finally sticking to them. I felt kind of bad unfollowing, blocking and deleting people from social media but I knew I needed to for my mental health. I have to be conscious of what I’m consuming and how it affects me. Right now my number one focus is being the best me so I can show up for everyone else in my life, especially my kids. I’m slowly settling into myself, like a new house shifting into its eternal place on Earth. 

I say none of this in a braggart way; in fact, I hope to show you that the work, albeit hard, is rewarding. I spend approximately twenty to forty minutes a day on myself, with solely myself. It’s worth every second to disconnect from the world and connect to my soul. With three kids banging at the door more often than not, it’s easy to let these rituals and tools slide away. But I refuse now. I am worth five minutes of solitude in a bathroom mirror. So are you. You are worth so much more than you’re probably giving yourself credit for. You are worthy of solitude. You are worthy of investing in your wellbeing. You are worthy of friend getaways, those nice sheets you’ve been eyeing forever, the course you feel called towards. You. Are. Worthy. I know you’ve heard it before. Let it really sink in now. You are so f*cking worthy of whatever it is you want and need.

Because my decisions feel so right, I don’t need anyone else to love them now and I seek out people’s advice less. I don’t need it. I have the answers. Are you that person? Do you call five different friends to get their advice when you’re on the fence about something? I was the worst for it. If I was unsure of something, I’d call everyone I knew and then keep calling all my other friends when I wasn’t getting the answers I wanted to hear. What I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear are sometimes very different things. I imagine the same can be said for you too. But again, the answer is in your gut. It knows!

If you’re struggling with your shadow side, try these meditations I linked above. If you’re struggling with a relationship or other problems, seek spiritual aides like reiki, BodyTalk, etc. Energy is so vital to our wellbeing and if your energy isn’t flowing throughout your body with cohesion and ease, you’ll only create blocks that will hold you back in many ways. If you need support, reach out to a friend or professional you trust and feel comfortable with. Use your words; communicate effectively and with truth. Take time for yourself and do it without guilt. The dishes piled in the sink don’t care when they get washed. They don’t have a schedule to keep. Nap when your baby naps; the cleaning can wait. Go for lunch alone. People watch while you savour a good, healthy meal. Smile at everyone and give compliments freely. Let your breath lead you home; your soul awaits. When you knock on that door and she/he answers, that’s where miracles happen. That’s where healing happens. That’s where you truly shine and that’s when you really start living the Life you were meant to live.

Strumming G,

K

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